Life

Life.

Life is a big, dark, scary tunnel, and there’s a light shining brightly at the end of the tunnel.

We’re all going down this tunnel, some of us running with carefree abandon, letting the wind whip against us as we run down that tunnel, while some of us are more inclined to stroll through life’s tunnel, bemused by those who stumble over obstacles because they didn’t see them in the way.

That tunnel is confusing.

The tunnel is confusing because everything is confusing. The world is big and scary, and you look at yourself from time to time and think, “Wow… It’s me and this huge tunnel, in the dark.” It makes you feel

insignificant, scared, alone, empty, paranoid, invisible, vulnerable, weak, small

And then you put up defenses, as your journey through the tunnel gets more terrifying, as you see things coming after you, shadows flickering behind you, sounds crackling above you, your own senses failing and lying to you as fear takes over. Fear of being hurt, fear of being alone, fear of being broken by the world around you.

And sometimes those defenses work. You might not even notice the defenses, you just keep moving, unaware that you’re shielding yourself from the world, blocking out the bad and the good alike. You start to feel

insignificant, cautious, alone, empty, secure, invisible, unnoticed, weak, small

And then someone comes along, running next to you. You don’t notice them until they come to you, and they aren’t like you. They aren’t wearing defenses, they don’t need them. Slowly, you enjoy their company. And over time, they change you. You still feel the same, but maybe it’s okay to put the shield down. Maybe it won’t be so bad.

And then you notice another person running, between you and your running partner. You don’t mind; you didn’t have a running partner before anyways, it was a silly notion to expect one then. You’re

insignificant, cautious, not as alone, not as empty, invisible, weak, small

And then you watch her fall, tripped by her running partner, and for the first time, you stop running. You don’t carry on, you stop and stay by her side. You help her back to her feet, and you build her up again. Then you do something crazy in the heat of the moment.

You run again, but now you’re holding her hand in hand as you run, gently pulling her along as she recovers from her fall. Things are good, and you feel

significant, fearless, loved, happy, visible, strong, tall, safe, needed, wanted,

purpose.

You trip over little rocks as you run, but they don’t bother you. The light is approaching faster and faster as the two of you gain speed and strength, together. You can see it, you see what is ahead.

the future.

You run for the future, headstrong into it, but then you feel it. Her hand isn’t in yours anymore, she’s on the other end of the tunnel, still running, but

away.

You move closer, but it only pushes her away, and as you wonder why she flinches from your very touch, you feel

confused, afraid, paranoid, hurt, weak, small, unloved, unneeded, unwanted

broken.

You move back to a comfortable distance. You let her run again, without hiding from you, and she smiles. That was all she wanted.

distance.

It doesn’t matter that you want to be close. It doesn’t matter that you want to feel

loved, needed, wanted

again, it doesn’t matter that you feel

broken.

Because she’s happy… And you should be happy that she’s happy. But you hate your smile. You hate your smile because it’s a dirty, dirty, lie, and it’s unforgivably wicked in its essence. You try to smile, for her sake, when all you want to do is lay down and die, for your sake. You feel

insignificant, confused, afraid, paranoid, hurt, weak, small, unloved, unneeded, unwa

happy, good, fine, not broken, okay, everything is going to be fine, it will be okay, life goe

nothing will ever be the sa

it will be oka

nothing

You feel

nothing.

But you also feel

too much.

It hurts to feel this much. But what hurts the most is when you realize she doesn’t remember the times you ran hand-in-hand as you did. When she plays it off as

nothing,

it makes you want to cry. It’s the dull pain of a razor that cuts too deep, the savage bite of a rabid beast, the harshest disease, but without an end in sight.

And it makes you feel

empty, sad, afraid, paranoid, alone, broken, hurt, confused, self-loathing, dirty, bad, worthless, nothing,

unwanted, unneeded, unloved

broken.

replaceable. cheated. empty.

And there’s no end in sight, the light has been extinguished. All around you is darkness, and you see only pain and hurt.

But you will survive. You do the only thing you’ve ever known to do.

You push your feet forward, one at a time.

and keep moving.

moving

towards the future.

even when there is no future in sight.

and you sustain yourself on the memories

the touch of her hand, the scent of her hair, the warmth in her eyes, her smile, her laugh, her

and you don’t feel as alone.

just for a second in time’s endless perpetual motion,

you aren’t alone. You feel

wanted, needed, loved,

not alone.

you’re living on broken dreams and torn fantasies, but you’re okay with that.

because when you have nothing left but those shattered images of days long gone, you have

hope.